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Ficlet: Some Assembly Required

Title: Some Assembly Required
Characters: Roy/Ed
Rating: PG
Word count: 395
Prompt: sky_dark, Roy and Ed, newly domesticated and newly living together put together something from IKEA.



"You do know that there are people you can hire to do this for you?"

Ed didn't look up. Instead, he continued attempting to stare out the collection of bits of wood and metal, as if they were engaged in some kind of mano a mano stand-off. Knowing Ed, he probably thought they were.

Roy continued. "No, you really can. I saw an ad in the paper the other week. There are these little one-man companies, and they come around on a motor scooter and do it all for you in an hour!" Freeing up your evening for important things, like dinner, intelligent conversation and getting screwed over the end of your new sofa.

"No!" Ed folded his arms and transferred his glare, briefly, to Roy. "I can do this, dammit. I'm the Fullmetal-fucking-Alchemist. I can break down and reassemble matter at a molecular level! 
I will not be beaten by a frickin' coffee table!"

Roy sighed heavily, sat next to him on the floor, and leafed through the instruction booklet. It bore cheerful, word-free cartoons of two smiling stick-men inserting doohickey A into slot B and then wiggling it around with an allen key. Roy didn't understand a shred of it.

"Or," Roy added, "maybe I'm right and this thing came with two left panels rather than a left and a right."

"No," said Ed, "I told you, they're supposed to be the same!" He punctuated this by upending one of the pieces in question, sticking it on top of the upside-down tabletop on the floor, and attempting, again, to hammer doohickey A into slot B with an automail fist.

The piece wobbled, and almost immediately fell over.

"Would you like a hand?" asked Roy blandly.

"What I want," said Ed, jabbing a finger at him, "is for you to stop distracting me with stupid running commentary and leave me alone."

If Roy was a better man, he wouldn't have been so pleased to retreat and leave his beloved to it. But he wasn't.

From the hall, he heard Ed's voice bellowing. "All right, you third-rate piece of wood-veneered self-assembly crap! I'll show you the difference between us!"

Roy sighed, hefted the telephone receiver and wondered if Hawkeye or Havoc would be up for an evening in the pub. 

Comments

( 26 comments — Leave a comment )
havocmangawip
Dec. 19th, 2011 08:35 pm (UTC)
Roy has the right idea.

Ed is lucky that he didn't buy a dresser/wardrobe. Been there, done that... cussed MOST of a long weekend while assembling something akin to this... except it had knobs. It only lasted through four moves and then it was DONE... but hey, it served its purpose!

http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/40053930/

bob_fish
Dec. 19th, 2011 09:11 pm (UTC)
Haha, I agree with Roy. I've had one of those in the past ... it broke. Yay Ikea and affordable furniture that's so awkward to assemble it makes you want to smash it to splinters. ;_;

The move before last, four years ago, Dr H was working a long run of nights immediately after, and we were moving from a furnished place to an unfurnished, so I got to assemble all the Ikea stuff myself. A lone person putting together a bookcase that needs one person on either end looks like something from a Chaplin movie, only with audible swearing. ;_;
vince_moon
Dec. 19th, 2011 08:41 pm (UTC)
"All right, you third-rate piece of wood-veneered self-assembly crap! I'll show you the difference between us!" Excellent line. Great story!
bob_fish
Dec. 19th, 2011 09:06 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Ed is easy to gently mock.
alasse_mirimiel
Dec. 19th, 2011 09:35 pm (UTC)
One day, Ed will end up flooding the kitchen while trying to fix the sink.

I'm just like Roy with the running commentary XD
bob_fish
Dec. 19th, 2011 10:08 pm (UTC)
I can so see that happening. XD And Roy will be at pains to tell him that he saw that happening. XD
alasse_mirimiel
Dec. 20th, 2011 12:03 am (UTC)
I LOVE THAT ICON!!

Roy should be careful, Ed would find a way to make it seem like it was Roy's fault XD
bob_fish
Dec. 20th, 2011 12:48 am (UTC)
Thank you, it's new! I made it for The Phoney War and for my Big Bang! The art is by a Japanese artist called Macajia, it seemed appropriate.
alasse_mirimiel
Dec. 20th, 2011 01:03 am (UTC)
It is appropriate. I'll have to check her out, based on the icon the art looks a lot like Arakawa's

Speaking of Big Bang, I'm already on holidays so I'll be able to start working on the stories :D
damnationschild
Dec. 19th, 2011 10:21 pm (UTC)
As wise as it was of Roy to leave Ed alone with the "third-rate piece of wood-veneered self-assembly crap" I think he'll regret leaving the house when he comes back to find doohickey A transmuted into slot B via the floor xD
bob_fish
Dec. 19th, 2011 10:28 pm (UTC)
Haha, yes, I think the sequel to this is Ed resorting to alchemy and alchemy backfiring upon him impressively. XD Roy will return annoyingly tipsy and ill-equipped to deal with this. I'm not sure which of them, but someone's sleeping on the couch tonight.
damnationschild
Dec. 19th, 2011 10:37 pm (UTC)
Ill-equipped indeed!
I'm sure Roy will find himself braving the couch tonight as Ed will undoubtedly say something along the likes of "You wanted the damn thing put together and now it is, so you can sleep out here with it"
bob_fish
Dec. 19th, 2011 10:41 pm (UTC)
Haha, and Roy will be shut out while he makes the face in your icon at Ed. Then at 2am Ed will wander out into the living room, declare that he can't sleep alone, and lead Roy half-asleep to bed.
damnationschild
Dec. 19th, 2011 10:45 pm (UTC)
Haha yes. All in all a very promising squeal xD
bob_fish
Dec. 19th, 2011 10:49 pm (UTC)
Ooh, what a lovely icon!
damnationschild
Dec. 19th, 2011 10:51 pm (UTC)
Why thank you :D
amethyst_koneko
Dec. 20th, 2011 03:46 am (UTC)
It bore cheerful, word-free cartoons of two smiling stick-men inserting doohickey A into slot B and then wiggling it around with an allen key.

ROFLMAO! Cannot...stop...laughing! I'm serious! I had to stop reading at this line! This line is absolutely not, in no way, shape, or form, supposed to be funny but to my perverted (demented?) brain, two men, doohickey A into slot B, and wiggling it around just conjures up all kinds of RoyEd fun! And the allen wrench? *snerk!* The allen wrench just adds to the kinkiness of it! :D This fic is WIN and I'm only 5 paragraphs into it! Why is it when you get the giggles, esp from something random, that you can't stop laughing? uh-oh! I just looked up and saw, "All right, you third-rate piece of wood-veneered self-assembly crap! I'll show you the difference between us!" ^_^ I see a lot more giggling in my immediate future! :D
bob_fish
Dec. 20th, 2011 08:57 am (UTC)
Haha, glad I could give you the uncontrollable giggles? You're right, I'm sure I, or Roy, could have squeezed a lot more innuendo out of doohickey A inserting into slot B. XD
amethyst_koneko
Dec. 20th, 2011 03:49 am (UTC)
uh-oh. Typo demon.

"No," said Ed, "I told, they're supposed to be the same!"

I told??
bob_fish
Dec. 20th, 2011 08:55 am (UTC)
Thanks for the catch! :D Fixed it up.
dormantdrake
Dec. 20th, 2011 09:31 pm (UTC)
I *love* IKEA stuff; it's like giant Legos! They should give me their furniture, I would put it together for them for free. I even do giant bookshelves. XD

Although I do understand that's most people's reaction to some-assembly-required furniture. You just need a drill and your own complete set of Allen wrenches (or at least the most common sizes) and it can all be assembled (and even customized). I also have furniture markers and stickers.

I also loved putting together insanely complicated Lego as a child. I am good at instructions without words and some of the pieces being wrong.

Maybe I could have my own IKEA assembling company... Guaranteed to look like the picture or you don't pay! (Assembly of furniture from already opened packages not guaranteed and will cost more.)


Oh, it's mano a mano ("man to man"), not e. ^^;;


And Ed is hilarious. XD *thumbs up*
bob_fish
Dec. 20th, 2011 09:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you! XD Haha, assembling IKEA furniture can be fun (for the first five minutes) but Ed's frustrations made for a funnier fic. XD

Re. mano a mano: OMG, thanks for the catch and sorry for the doofy error! My Spanish is sadly non-existent (I'm a Brit; my school only taught French and German ^^;). Fixing it as we speak.
dormantdrake
Dec. 20th, 2011 09:52 pm (UTC)
Heh, I'm a California girl (Bay Area/Silicon Valley) so I've learned a fair bit of Spanish in self defense/due to the need to communicate while working in retail. (I also may have voluntarily taken two years with a Puerto Rican teacher way back in high school. Just don't ask me to speak it! Understanding written Spanish =/= speaking it, sadly.)

Ed being frustrated does generally make a funnier fic. He wouldn't be Ed without the cursing... :)

I love IKEA furniture until about the fifth identical bookshelf, then I'm just too tired to like the stuff. Or when I have to move it since the stuff is so heavy. True story, that one, and the bookshelves (I think there were a grand total of eight or nine) got divided up and I got three, one of which died in the last move.
bob_fish
Dec. 20th, 2011 10:23 pm (UTC)
Well, I envy you your fair bit of Spanish! I also envy you Californian sushi, fish tacos, and Jamba Juice. Nom.

Yes, I think IKEA is funnest in small quantities. I do like their meatballs, though.
eve_n_furter
Feb. 6th, 2012 12:25 pm (UTC)
Haha, even alchemists must see themselves defeated by inanimate objects occasionally. Instructions from IKEA is also know as examples of the most inherent spiteful matter there is. Fun stuff!
bob_fish
Feb. 6th, 2012 01:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I had fun writing this.
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )